Time for Reflection

I haven't written as frequently as I presumed I would, but it doesn't really seem as though there is much to say. I know some people would be absolutely fascinated by the everyday things going on (ahem, Mom), but it really is just an endless cycle of read, read, check Facebook, read, write, write, drink tea, walk, tutorial, walk, read, read, etc. Not very interesting. When I get to my travels the gaps between posts will be even farther, as I will be gone for long stretches of time without access to a computer.

Travel updates! I will be going to Scotland with two of my friends here for four days, coming back to Oxford to meet up with a friend who is studying in Spain, going to Ireland for four days with her, flying from Ireland to Paris, spending three days in Paris with those same two friends, flying to Nice, spending four days there, and finally flying back to London, where I will proceed to sleep for extended periods of time, wander around Oxford, visit the museums I've been meaning to visit for the past two months, etc. Then, I'll ship off to Seville around Easter time with the friend who accompanied me to Ireland, and then crash with her for a week or so in Madrid. Then, back to Oxford, packing, and back to the States.

Abbreviated trips to several places, so I won't get to see as much of them as I of course would like to. It was a difficult choice between going as many places as possible and really delving in to one or two places. Perhaps I should have done the latter (plane tickets are already purchased and plans already made), but I'm sure I will be able to soak up a lot in those few days, and have a whirlwind month of travel. I really can't wait.

I'll write another blog about academic reflections later, once I've concluded my tutorials. I do want to say a few things now, though. I have never been this challenged academically. It's a good feeling to struggle. Foreign, but good. I'm used to working hard for my grades, but that hard work comes easily, if that makes any sense. I breeze through the hard work and am none the worse for wear. Here, I struggle struggle struggle and continue to struggle. It's a different feeling - not having my professor think I've hung the moon. I know that sounds really arrogant, but I don't mean it that way. I'm used to excelling in school, with effort but feeling capable of handling that effort. It's what I'm good at. I'm doing well - approximating A- or B+, from what I understand of the Oxford grading system. And it's not like the work is that difficult (except for the poetry. Oh God, the poetry). I read simple texts, read criticisms, and write an essay about it. It's not that hard, when I think about it. Really it isn't. So I don't really understand why I'm struggling so much. I think I'm overwhelmed by the workload, since there is a lot of work crammed into a little bit of time. That's just how it is. But ... I don't know. It's hard. And I like that it's hard. I just have to get used to not being on top - it's a big world out there.

Going with that thread, this experience has been extremely humbling. The work I've done - both academically and otherwise - is trivial when compared with what these people are doing. If I want to make something of myself in this world, I'm going to have to work extremely hard, harder than I have been. Which is saying something, because, as my friends will tell you, all I do is work. I don't know if I can do it. Granted, who am I to say that I even deserve to make a name for myself in the world? Sometimes I want to be remembered, to have people recognize my name, as I'm sure most people do. But, does that really matter? If I do good work, does it matter if I am "famous"? My priority should not be to become famous. It should be to do good things for people, for humanity, for the world. Which it is. It doesn't matter, really, if my name is remembered. What matters is what I accomplish, and how that affects people. And being here, being another face in the crowd, has helped me realize that.

I have to say, thus far I haven't made an impact on this university or this community, as I know I was expected to. It will be no different when I leave than when I arrived. But, that's acceptable. Frustrating, a little, but acceptable. I came here assuming that it would be a break from my hectic life, that I would focus on the academics, that this would be a time for learning and for traveling. Which it has been and will be. So I've accomplished what I set out to do. And my time here isn't even over.

Anyway, I have to resume my reading and essay writing. I've read Christina Rosetti's "Goblin Market" and Elizabeth Barrett Browning's "Sonnets from the Portuguese," and I'll be writing an essay about how these various poems depict female desire. Fascinating subject, but it'll definitely make for an awkward tutorial. Hah. I can't wait.